Where do I begin? I hadn't planned on breaking up with my boyfriend yesterday, but I did. It all comes back to be not being ready to commit to him. Not with the apartment, the relationship, or the engagement. It sounds strange, but the reason I didn't break up with him earlier is because I loved his family so much. They are wonderful people....who will probably hate me now, but at least I had the pleasure of knowing them when I did. And I really thought I wanted to get married..to my boyfriend. But I don't. And there was no way I was going to stay with him and hope he would one day be like his family.
The worst part is hurting him. I wish I didn't have to, but in the long run, it is the best decision. It would hurt alot more to get married and realize then that we never should have, and then get divorced. Or realize the night before the wedding that there is no way I could go through with it!! We are just not the perfect combination. There is someone else out there for both of us, who is the other half of our perfect combination.
I realize how bad the timing was...we had just spent the first night together in our new apartment. And he just pulled the words out of me. It was really horrible. He called me all these horrible names that I can't put in print. It wouldn't be right. I know he was hurting and shocked. He told me he had already bought the ring..."bet you didn't think I had it, did you? I had it all planned out." I knew it was really over when he said that and I felt nothing. I feel I did make the right decision. When I woke up this morning, I felt more refreshed and ready to go then I have in months. I also felt that a weight had been lifted off my shoulders..a weight I didn't even know was there. I thought I was happy and with the man I was going to marry. I guess I'm not the first one to be wrong about that.
I should have realized a long time ago that I need more than he has to offer. I need a man with drive and ambition. A man who is respectful and kind, intelligent and fun with a great sense of humor. A man who will take good care of me...And a man that I will always be attracted to. The ironic thing is..is that I am describing someone specific. Someone I should have been with all slong. For those of you who have been following along...I am talking about my ex-boyfriend that I mentioned in one of my last blogs. I decided that I am still in love with him. And even if we don't get back together, I can't spend eternity with second best. I can't be committted to one man if my mind and heart is with another. It would be too cruel for words.
I have to do what is best for me, even though it is hurting my most recent ex. Even though it is hurting me and letting down alot of people. This is my life we are talking about. Noone is going to control the outcome of my life except for me. At least I really made a decision for me. Nobody told me what to do or made my mind up for me. I am not sorry I made the decision I did. Now I don't have to wonder "is this it?" I have no idea what the future holds for me. Things are very uncertain and I have never been happier or more sure of myself. I am the master of my domain. And I always will be.
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