19 December 2005

Christmas?

I must be getting more cynical in my old age...recently I have been having a problem with Christmas. Oddly enough, it's not the commercialization that bothers me...I mean, heck! According to scholars, we don't even celebrate the right day for Jesus'birthday, so what does it really matter if we start putting out Christmas decorations in October? Technically it should be in March anyway.

I have no problem believing in a higher power: be that God, Allah, Budda, or the great power within. And I believe that Jesus must have been a truly amazing and inspiring man. It is clear what kind of affect this lowly son of a carpenter had on many. He died 2000 years ago and people still speak His name with respect and reverence. It's the actually story of Christmas that I have trouble with...if we ar not even sure what day these event occurred on, then how could we possibly know what happend? I suspect, for most Christians, this is where faith comes in. That believing it happened is enough. I'm just not sure it's enough for me.

And I don't honestly think that I will go to Hell because of my doubt or disbelief. I'm not worried about that at all.In every human heart there is doubt, the point here is whether or not the individual ignores it or embraces it.

24 September 2005

Go Speed Racer!

A week ago, I was crazy enough (or motivated!) to participate in my first half marathon. I am proud to say that I conquered the 13.1 mile monster. And I did it in a very respectable 2 hours, 25 minutes and 17 seconds. I couldn't believe how good I felt and how much adrenaline can make up for not really believing that I could make it past 7 miles (the most I had ever run at one time). I just kept seeing the mile markers go by in the fog: 7,9,11, 13, until I found myself at the finish line. And I might add, with enough energy to SPRINT across said finish line!! I am very proud of myself for running this massive race...and the sick thing is that I would do it all over again. Adrenaline IS addictive, you know. This is my idea of an extreme sport. Vamos!!

28 August 2005

Ode To Bottled Water

I ask you....is there really a difference between one brand of bottled water and another? Or is there even a difference between what you get off that shelf at your local grocery store and what comes out of your tap?

I am not convinced of this alleged difference. Now don't get me wrong, I firmly believe that one can taste the difference between water out of different sinks or fountains. For example, the water out of my tap at home actually tastes pretty good (especially considering it is Weaverville city water)...but you will not catch me drinking the water out of the fountain at the gym. Let's just say it has a distinct metallic bouquet to it (not to mention the unsettling thought of all those meatheads' sweaty upper lips coming in close contact to said fountain...but I digress). And I do not believe that there is really much of a difference between a name brand and a store brand. They both taste fine to me (and believe me, I've tried alot of different kinds).

I recall an evening at a restaurant fairly recently, where I overheard a fellow diner ask the waitress for bottled water. It gave me pause, and I wondered if he sincerely believed that that particular bottle of water REALLY came from a pristine bubbling spring in Switzerland. I guess so. Or he would have just stuck to the tap variety with some cubes and a nice slice of lemon. That's certianly good enough for me. And to be honest with you, if I was thirsty enough, I might even drink th stuff out of the gym fountain.

18 April 2005

Ex-land

I don't know what it is about ex-boyfriends, specifically ones I have broken up with....they seem to think that if they wait a few weeks, or a month or so, that I will have changed my mind and just desperately want them back. Riiiiiight. What part of "I'm not in love with you anymore" do you not understand. It just reinforces the reason why I broke up with him in the first place! I mean, he clearly doesn't respect me and my decision enough to take either seriously...or he wouldn't be attempting to second guess me.

EARTH TO EX: WE ARE NOT A COUPLE AND WE WON"T EVER BE AGAIN. That clear enough, you think? I have no desire to be with a fanatic sports-loving, no goal-making, content to rot in job because you are too set in your ways to get another one, not liking me going out with my friends (whatever), Playboy subscription-having at the age of the 36, stuck in the 80's music playing, clothes-shopping at second-hand stores, computer and cellphone/technology hating, contant prodding about baby names (baby, are you kidding me! well, not now anyway), stuck in routine not changing, obsessive Seinfeld watching, no savings account having, Mama's boy who is 21-year-old boy in 36-year-old man's body.

The reason why I choose this medium to rant and rave about him is because he doesn't own a computer, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't even know what a blog is.

I know this sounds cold, but I have been dying to get this off my chest. I'll leave you with a song from one of my favorites, David Ryan Harris...he totally nailed it:

You should move on, try to move on, and leave this alone.
I'm busy trying to make plans for my future, but you're hanging on my past.
Now in hindsight, it wasn't all right...but it wasn't all wrong.
We had a love that seemed strong at the start, but I knew that it wouldn't last.

Chorus:
We had a good thing, don't get me wrong
But it's not meant to be...so sing a new song.

Go and find some peace of mind
And maybe in time you'll find someone
that loves all that you do, someone that's
closer to perfect for you.

Find someone that loves you baby, find someone that drives you crazy..
I'm so in love with someone new, and I really want you to find the same for you.

See what I mean?

25 March 2005

Not Again....

I am a fool. Again. I can't believe Rob had me convinced that he really did have feelings for me after all this time. What a naive idiot I have been. After all that romantic bullshit he fed me over the last month...all the promises. What a waste of my time and energy. I don't know if he actually meant it or not. Because now he says that, after our visit last weekend, "and then from my end the spark, while still there, was much smaller than I had anticipated or expected." I've got one word for this....ouch. I've never been enough for this guy, and I never will be. Or maybe I'm too much. Either way, my heart is broken. And the sad thing is, this is not the first time I've let him him do this. I should have known better. I really should have.

It's ok that I am single, I can handle that. What is hard for me to handle is being rejected so completely. Am I that bad? I think not! For crying out loud, I may not be the smartest or presttiest or best...but I am me. And that should be enough. I shouldn't have to feel bad about it and it really pisses me off that this emotionally challenged jack ass is making me feel anything even close to that. Basically the only reason I entertained the thought of being with him again, was because he barged into my life again with all these confessions and promises. And once again he's running scared. He either really feels nothing for me or he's just too afraid. My life is too short to wait for him to make up his mind. I'm not making this mistake again with him. He is on his own. I want to friends with him, but I don't think I can talk to him for quite a while. I'm too angry and too hurt...I might be a little too honest with him right now. It' not going to help anything to be mean to him.....even if he might deserve.

I am just hollow now.

12 March 2005

From Hong Kong, with Love

Last week I got a postcard from Hong Kong. It has pandas playing on the front..it does not surprise me that this particular friend would remember they are my favorite animal.

6 years ago, I had a housemate when I lived near London for a semester in college. She has got to be one of the most fascinating people I know. Her parents are Chinese, but left Hong Kong before she was born, and immigrated to Holland. My friend speaks Dutch, 2 dialects of Chinese, English, German and some French. She would crack me up when I'd hear her on the phone speaking softly in Dutch with her sister, and then switch to a very loud and forceful Chinese with her mother.The first time I heard her do this, I asked if everything was ok...had she had a fight with her mother? Oh, no, she said, we were just talking about some recipes she was trying out.

I haven't seen her or spoken with her on the phone since we parted ways on a cold night in December in 1999. But we have faithfully kept in touch through e-mail, letters and pictures. I am lucky enough to have two best friends, and she is one of them. I can always count on her, and she on me. I have had friends in the same city as me who don't keep in touch with me has well as she does!

I am hoping that this is the year we will finally get to see each other after all this time. She has never been to the United States, and I have never been to Holland. Anywhere would be great if we could just see each other again.If everyone had a friend like mine, I'm convinced there would be alot less road rage in the world!! Something to think about....

02 March 2005

The End and the Beginning

Where do I begin? I hadn't planned on breaking up with my boyfriend yesterday, but I did. It all comes back to be not being ready to commit to him. Not with the apartment, the relationship, or the engagement. It sounds strange, but the reason I didn't break up with him earlier is because I loved his family so much. They are wonderful people....who will probably hate me now, but at least I had the pleasure of knowing them when I did. And I really thought I wanted to get married..to my boyfriend. But I don't. And there was no way I was going to stay with him and hope he would one day be like his family.

The worst part is hurting him. I wish I didn't have to, but in the long run, it is the best decision. It would hurt alot more to get married and realize then that we never should have, and then get divorced. Or realize the night before the wedding that there is no way I could go through with it!! We are just not the perfect combination. There is someone else out there for both of us, who is the other half of our perfect combination.

I realize how bad the timing was...we had just spent the first night together in our new apartment. And he just pulled the words out of me. It was really horrible. He called me all these horrible names that I can't put in print. It wouldn't be right. I know he was hurting and shocked. He told me he had already bought the ring..."bet you didn't think I had it, did you? I had it all planned out." I knew it was really over when he said that and I felt nothing. I feel I did make the right decision. When I woke up this morning, I felt more refreshed and ready to go then I have in months. I also felt that a weight had been lifted off my shoulders..a weight I didn't even know was there. I thought I was happy and with the man I was going to marry. I guess I'm not the first one to be wrong about that.

I should have realized a long time ago that I need more than he has to offer. I need a man with drive and ambition. A man who is respectful and kind, intelligent and fun with a great sense of humor. A man who will take good care of me...And a man that I will always be attracted to. The ironic thing is..is that I am describing someone specific. Someone I should have been with all slong. For those of you who have been following along...I am talking about my ex-boyfriend that I mentioned in one of my last blogs. I decided that I am still in love with him. And even if we don't get back together, I can't spend eternity with second best. I can't be committted to one man if my mind and heart is with another. It would be too cruel for words.

I have to do what is best for me, even though it is hurting my most recent ex. Even though it is hurting me and letting down alot of people. This is my life we are talking about. Noone is going to control the outcome of my life except for me. At least I really made a decision for me. Nobody told me what to do or made my mind up for me. I am not sorry I made the decision I did. Now I don't have to wonder "is this it?" I have no idea what the future holds for me. Things are very uncertain and I have never been happier or more sure of myself. I am the master of my domain. And I always will be.

18 February 2005

My Coolest.....

I just have to tell everyine that my brother is the coolest person on the face of this earth! If I had the coolness he has in his pinky finger, I would be all set. By cool I mean that my brother has serious style and is always the nicest dresser in the room. Not to mention the nicest guy in the room!

My brother is also cool because he takes such good care of me, believes in me even when there's not much to believe in, loves me at my most unlovable, and stands by me no matter what. He saved me from being burnt by our crazy next door neighbor(I was 3), rescued me from the mean babysitter who laughed when I fell off a chair and hit my head (I was 4), and let me play with his Legos. I have learned so much from him and aspire to be like him. He is always willing to help me and offer advice, no matter what the topic. He's the one who created this blog for me!

The other reason(s) why my brother deserves to have this blog dedicated to him, is because he is such a good person. He treats people kindly and with respect. He is so sweet to our parents and takes good care of them too. I must be the luckiest sister in the worls to have a brother like mine. So....to my coolest brother: I salute you from the tip of your spiky hair, to the soles of your sweeeeett shoes! I love you always.

Unrequited Love?

You know, I was completely in love with this young man we'll call Rob. For 3 solid years (and then some), he was the only one for me...even when I wasn't the only one for him. Even though we both dated other people and were officially boyfriend/girlfriend for only about 6 months...I always just knew that it was a matter of time when he would realize that I was the woman of his dreams. But alas, life intervened and it never happened. The reason I broke up with him the first time, was because he did not feel the same for me as I did about him. He couldn't tell me he loved me, because he didn't feel that way. Breaking up was one of the most painful things I have ever done. But it was choice I had to make.

We remained friends throughout....although there were times we didn't see each other or speak to each other for a month or so. We always came together at some point. Then about a year or so later, we started seeing each other again. It was so wonderful and I thought my dream was finally coming true! Wrong. He still couldn't take an emotional risk to be with me...he said it was because there were too many uncertainties. If it was meant to be, it would happen. So I get my heart broken again. Maybe it was my fault, maybe not...who knows.

Then I moved home to start a new life. I was more or less getting the cold shoulder in the romantic department from him.....so I finally gave up. If I had gotten any indication that he still had feelings for me, I would have waited for him for eternity. But I didn't. I ended up meeting someone new not too much later and moved on with my life. I ended up falling in love with this guy and being very happy with him. As you may know if you have been following my blog....my boyfriend and I are moving in together next week after being a couple for almost 11 months. Not to mention we picked out an engagement ring, and have all but completely planned the wedding.

2/14/05...Enter Rob(again). He writes me an e-mail basically telling me he's in love with me and that I am the only woman for him after he's had a year to think and get settled. Great!! The only other man I have ever loved in my life is finally telling me he loves me and I can't be with him. Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend and I have no reservations about marrying him and spending the next 50 years with him.....but it's just one big what if for me. Timing is, unfortunately, everything.

So for those of you who are afraid to commit your heart to someone who loves you.....put aside your fear and risk it all!! Because trust me, it will only cause regret and sadness if you don't. What are you waiting for? Chances are, if you think they are so wonderful, someone else will too and snap them up if you make the mistake of waiting until the time is right for you! Either love them or let them go.... and don't bother them again, You will surely break their heart! I am an example of that. In the end, I wish that Rob had had someone like me to tell him to get off his butt and break all the rules! It's not worth it to be cautious...regret is a bitter thing.

08 February 2005

On the Road Again...

Ok.....For those of you have been following the drama, it turns out that we did find another, better apartment than the one we got scheisted out of. So things eventually work out, right?! We can start moving on Feb 21st (just great that it happens to be a Monday....real useful!), and I have already started packing this past weekend. Dum da dum dum....now starts the dreaded task of throwing things out and packing the appropriate items into their neatly labeled boxes (argggghhh).

This is a milestone for me...this will be the first man I've ever lived with in a boyfriend capacity. I have many questions about how this is going to work. Such as: Will he ruin my sleep pattern when he comes in late at night from work? Which way does he prefer the toilet paper to hang? Does he squeeze the toothpaste from the middle or the end? And most importantly, will the answers to these questions annoy me?

I've got one thing to say about this living situation: thank God for the second bathroom!! I think we can all agree that we like privacy and not to be rushed when performing certain daily activities....We don't have to share EVERYTHING, for heaven's sake. Gotta keep the romance alive somehow, people!

Tune in Friday for an update on the life and times of yours truly. Until then, be well.

29 January 2005

The Landlady

I just have to complain about this because it has been on my mind over the last day...As you may know from one of my previous posts, my boyfriend and I were in the process of looking for a house to buy. However, we decided that due to lack of funds, we were going to scrap that idea and look into renting an apartment until we do have the money.

I digress....so we had gone to see an apartment I found in the classifieds, thought it sounded nice, and wanted to take a look at the inside. The onlt thing that wasn't nice about it was the hefty $1800 deposit plus rent involved. She came down on the total amount to $1500 just to get us in there. To make a long story short....the landlord references had checked out, the lease had been written up and signed, all of this as of yesterday at lunchtime. Last night, at about 5:30, the same lady called to tell me that there had been some miscommunication between her and her brother (who was helping her rent the place because she was leaving the country)and that they had rented the place out from under us to someone else! Well, how do you like that! She said it was a better business decision because the new person was going to pay her the full $1800. Amazing what someone will do for $300...Then she has the nerve to tell me good luck!! Whatever....I'm not the one who neds luck. Apartments are a dime a dozen in this town...It is she who will need the good luck when she gets a karmic kick in the rear for being so under-handed.

Anyway, always get it in writing!! You can never be sure with these inexperienced, too much money, too much time, too greedy landlady types...

Au Revoir

13 January 2005

Thoughts on Being An Adult

It's funny how a building can really make an adult out of you. I am referring specifically to a house...buying a house. My boyfriend and I are in the very early stages of purchasing a home together. I've got one word for you, Ahhhhhhhh! It is an entirely overwhelming process: getting a loan is bad enough, then couple that with a VERY limited budget, looking for the best neighborhood, most convenient location, washer/dryer hookup, yard and white picket fence all rolled into one.

But it is also a very exciting time, I must admit! It is strange and wonderful to look at a house and see your future in front of you. I see countless meals prepared together, yard/housework, being carried over the threshold, I even see painting a nursery and trying to put a crib together. Everything seems to be happening very fast and furiously all of a sudden...

Buying a house feels like the ultimate rite of passage. A stamp that finally says, "You are a grown up!" Yay. Now what? Yikes. I am looking forward to finding out what's next, but I still feel like a big kid. I'm pretty sure that will never change.

Mother Doing Good

Self Magazine has an award contest called Women Doing Good. It honors women who give their time and talents to charitable organizations. I k...