25 March 2005

Not Again....

I am a fool. Again. I can't believe Rob had me convinced that he really did have feelings for me after all this time. What a naive idiot I have been. After all that romantic bullshit he fed me over the last month...all the promises. What a waste of my time and energy. I don't know if he actually meant it or not. Because now he says that, after our visit last weekend, "and then from my end the spark, while still there, was much smaller than I had anticipated or expected." I've got one word for this....ouch. I've never been enough for this guy, and I never will be. Or maybe I'm too much. Either way, my heart is broken. And the sad thing is, this is not the first time I've let him him do this. I should have known better. I really should have.

It's ok that I am single, I can handle that. What is hard for me to handle is being rejected so completely. Am I that bad? I think not! For crying out loud, I may not be the smartest or presttiest or best...but I am me. And that should be enough. I shouldn't have to feel bad about it and it really pisses me off that this emotionally challenged jack ass is making me feel anything even close to that. Basically the only reason I entertained the thought of being with him again, was because he barged into my life again with all these confessions and promises. And once again he's running scared. He either really feels nothing for me or he's just too afraid. My life is too short to wait for him to make up his mind. I'm not making this mistake again with him. He is on his own. I want to friends with him, but I don't think I can talk to him for quite a while. I'm too angry and too hurt...I might be a little too honest with him right now. It' not going to help anything to be mean to him.....even if he might deserve.

I am just hollow now.

12 March 2005

From Hong Kong, with Love

Last week I got a postcard from Hong Kong. It has pandas playing on the front..it does not surprise me that this particular friend would remember they are my favorite animal.

6 years ago, I had a housemate when I lived near London for a semester in college. She has got to be one of the most fascinating people I know. Her parents are Chinese, but left Hong Kong before she was born, and immigrated to Holland. My friend speaks Dutch, 2 dialects of Chinese, English, German and some French. She would crack me up when I'd hear her on the phone speaking softly in Dutch with her sister, and then switch to a very loud and forceful Chinese with her mother.The first time I heard her do this, I asked if everything was ok...had she had a fight with her mother? Oh, no, she said, we were just talking about some recipes she was trying out.

I haven't seen her or spoken with her on the phone since we parted ways on a cold night in December in 1999. But we have faithfully kept in touch through e-mail, letters and pictures. I am lucky enough to have two best friends, and she is one of them. I can always count on her, and she on me. I have had friends in the same city as me who don't keep in touch with me has well as she does!

I am hoping that this is the year we will finally get to see each other after all this time. She has never been to the United States, and I have never been to Holland. Anywhere would be great if we could just see each other again.If everyone had a friend like mine, I'm convinced there would be alot less road rage in the world!! Something to think about....

02 March 2005

The End and the Beginning

Where do I begin? I hadn't planned on breaking up with my boyfriend yesterday, but I did. It all comes back to be not being ready to commit to him. Not with the apartment, the relationship, or the engagement. It sounds strange, but the reason I didn't break up with him earlier is because I loved his family so much. They are wonderful people....who will probably hate me now, but at least I had the pleasure of knowing them when I did. And I really thought I wanted to get married..to my boyfriend. But I don't. And there was no way I was going to stay with him and hope he would one day be like his family.

The worst part is hurting him. I wish I didn't have to, but in the long run, it is the best decision. It would hurt alot more to get married and realize then that we never should have, and then get divorced. Or realize the night before the wedding that there is no way I could go through with it!! We are just not the perfect combination. There is someone else out there for both of us, who is the other half of our perfect combination.

I realize how bad the timing was...we had just spent the first night together in our new apartment. And he just pulled the words out of me. It was really horrible. He called me all these horrible names that I can't put in print. It wouldn't be right. I know he was hurting and shocked. He told me he had already bought the ring..."bet you didn't think I had it, did you? I had it all planned out." I knew it was really over when he said that and I felt nothing. I feel I did make the right decision. When I woke up this morning, I felt more refreshed and ready to go then I have in months. I also felt that a weight had been lifted off my shoulders..a weight I didn't even know was there. I thought I was happy and with the man I was going to marry. I guess I'm not the first one to be wrong about that.

I should have realized a long time ago that I need more than he has to offer. I need a man with drive and ambition. A man who is respectful and kind, intelligent and fun with a great sense of humor. A man who will take good care of me...And a man that I will always be attracted to. The ironic thing is..is that I am describing someone specific. Someone I should have been with all slong. For those of you who have been following along...I am talking about my ex-boyfriend that I mentioned in one of my last blogs. I decided that I am still in love with him. And even if we don't get back together, I can't spend eternity with second best. I can't be committted to one man if my mind and heart is with another. It would be too cruel for words.

I have to do what is best for me, even though it is hurting my most recent ex. Even though it is hurting me and letting down alot of people. This is my life we are talking about. Noone is going to control the outcome of my life except for me. At least I really made a decision for me. Nobody told me what to do or made my mind up for me. I am not sorry I made the decision I did. Now I don't have to wonder "is this it?" I have no idea what the future holds for me. Things are very uncertain and I have never been happier or more sure of myself. I am the master of my domain. And I always will be.

Mother Doing Good

Self Magazine has an award contest called Women Doing Good. It honors women who give their time and talents to charitable organizations. I k...